Cherry Cheesecake
by Undercooked
Summary: Enter the world of Cherry Cheesecake, where Zuko uses Mederma for his scar, Iroh is a tea zombie, Mai and Ty Lee are the Doublemint Twins, Sokka may be more than slightly confused, and Ozai WILL NOT BE BEAT AT SCRABBLE! Crack kills, but it's so much fun!
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I OWN IT! --is tasered-- No I don't...

A/N -- Well, it's stupid, it's pointless, it doesn't make sense...YES, I love it too! Enter the world of Cherry Cheesecake and be thrown off kilter FOREVER! (I know, another multi-chap for me to create then ignore, but it WILL be worth it! IT WILL!!)

**CHERRY CHEESECAKE**

**by Undercooked**

**PROLOGUE**

"Hello, my name is Dr. Flammajamma, and I am your father." said a middle-aged man in a doctor's coat and a fuzzy orange tie.

"What?" asked Zuko, looking up.

"Nothing, nothing. Now, what appears to be the problem?" asked Dr. Flammajamma.

"Um...your tie is...staring at me." Zuko said, eyeing the orange monstrosity.

"Oh, don't mind Roderic. All the kiddies love him." said Flammajamma, stroking his tie lovingly.

Just then, the old tea-chugging guy walked in and, in a voice that rather sounded like Golem from Lord of the Rings rasped,

"Tea! Teeeea!"

"I told you to wait outside, Uncle!" Zuko yelled. "You can have some damn tea after we leave!"

The freaky old man shambled out, groaning,

"Teeea!"

"Um, yes. Quick, tell me your problem before this damn fic author sends something else to interrupt!" yelled Flammajamma.

"I have a scar!" yelled Zuko back.

"Yes you do!" yelled Flammajamma.

"Why are we yelling?" yelled Zuko.

"TEA!" yelled Uncle Iroh, chasing the young receptionist around the lobby.

"BWAH!" yelled Roderic the Tie.

"Is there any way to remove it?" yelled Zuko.

"The tie? I DUNNO!" yelled Flammajamma.

Roderic growled.

"No! My scar!" yelled Zuko. "And now I'm going to have a white-rimmed flashback about how I got it..."

-- FLASHBACK --

"Pillow fight!" yelled a man with a girly bun and a girly hair clasp.

"No! Daddy!" cried Zuko. "I will not accept this pillow fight!"

"Yes! I will teach you to respect me!" yelled the man, brandishing his befeathered weapon menacingly.

"All I did was beat you in Scrabble..." sobbed Zuko.

"YOU DID NOT! RANSNAVER IS A WORD!" screamed the man.

"No it's not!" the voice of a girl yelled from a few rooms over.

"I'll deal with you later, Azula!" the man yelled, before whacking Zuko in the face with his pillow.

Feathers flew, and many averted their eyes from the SHAME of it all.

Oh, the horror...

-- UN-FLASHBACK --

"Well that was...enlightening." said Flammajamma, raising an eyebrow.

"So can you help me?" asked Zuko.

"I can prescribe you an ointment. But I have to warn you, you'll have to carry around a little fan with a picture of your face on it for a few months if you take it." said Flammajamma.

"I'll do it." said Zuko.

Flammajamma handed him a tube of Mederma and then said,

"Exuse me. I have to go feed Roderic." And walked away petting his snarling tie.

Zuko took his Mederma and his crazed tea-loving uncle and went to Starbucks, where he purchased an extremely large cup of tea.

Little did he know of the madness that would ensue.


	2. Banging Zuko

Disclaimer: Me no own.

A/N -- Well, in this chapter, Zuko is a virgin (or is he?), Zhao undergoes a name change, and Mai is a whore. I may have to up the rating for this!

WARNING -- Since I'm too lazy to up the rating, know that this chapter uses extreme language and is rather sexual in its content. (No porn, just JOKES about sex.) Also, it may seem a little shippy, but since everyone just seems to be doing everyone else, I don't think it really counts.

**CHAPTER 1 --**

**BANGING ZUKO**

Azula's royal ass-haulers marched on, carrying the princess in her carriage which mysteriously lacked wheels, while Mai and Ty Lee rode a bicycle made for two alongside it, wearing matching green and white outfits. Suddenly, Ty Lee asked,

"Hey, Azula, why is your brother chasing a skinny twelve year old boy with tattoos across the freakin' world, anyway? I didn't think Zuko swung that way."

"He wants to get his honor back or something." Azula replied, as Ty Lee thought-bubbled rather disturbingly.

"Is that like...his virginity, or what?" asked Mai. The entire procession stopped to stare at her.

"What? I'm just sayin', 'cause he's not getting that back." she shrugged.

"Hey, no faiiir!" whined Ty Lee. "We're the Doublemint Twins! If YOU banged him, why didn't **I**?"

"You're just mad because I'm so much more bangable then you." smirked Mai."

"Oh, and I bet you sound like fucking Eeyore on a binge when you have sex." Ty Lee shot back. One of the royal ass-haulers coughed.

"TOO BAD this fic is rated T..." he said, raising his eyebrows, although we couldn't see them from under his mask. He removed his mask and raised his eyebrows higher, pointing to them.

"Well, maybe the author should make another fic called 'Banging Zuko' where all we talk about is--" Mai began.

"Baked goods!" Ty Lee cut her off, laughing somewhat hysterically.

"Evil, Fire Nation baked goods!" Azula added.

"No, silly! All we'll talk about is--" Everyone stuck their fingers in their ears and screamed,

"LALALALALALALALA!"

"--BANGING ZUKO!" Mai finished in a scream.

MEANWHILE

Somewhere far away, Zuko cocked his head.

"Tea?" asked Iroh, concerned.

"No, Uncle, the tea is fine." he sighed, then added, under his breath, "Unfortunately."

He looked over the mountains, then said,

"I just thought I heard someone scream 'BANGING ZUKO!' But it must have been my horny teenage imagination."

"Tea." Iroh said sympathetically, patting him on the shoulder.

BACK AT THE PALACE MA-THINGY-BOB

"WHO DARES?" boomed Ozai, Fire Lord of Scrabble.

"Commander Zhao, my lord." the guy with the funky sideburns replied.

"NO!" roared Ozai. "THAT NAME DOES NOT PLEASE ME! YOUR NAME IS NOW MR. FUNKY SIDEBURNS!"

"But sir--"

"WHAT IS IT, MR. FUNKY SIDEBURNS?"

Zhao--I mean, Mr. Funky Sideburns sighed and bowed.

"I would like to molest--I mean, go after your only, EXTREMELY rapeable, son and rape--DEFEAT him." he requested.

"He IS very rapeable, isn't he, Mr. Funky Sideburns?" mused Ozai. "Very well. You may go after my honorless, only son to NOT rape him and kick his skinny little virgin ass."

"But sir, according to Mai--"

"HE'S A VIRGIN!"

"Okay!!" And with that, Mr. Funky Sideburns ran out of the room and left Ozai to bathe in Scrabble tiles.

Well then.

IN THE CAMP OF THE GOOD GUYS (OR SOMEWHAT OKAY GUYS)

"Wait!" exclaimed Aang. "WE'RE the good guys!"

"The somewhat okay guys." Katara corrected him.

"WHATEVER!" Aang yelled. "WE'RE THEM! And the evil guys are getting more air-time than us! EVEN THAT REALLY WEIRD CHICK WHO SOUNDS LIKE EEYORE ON A BINGE WHEN SHE HAS SEX!"

"How would you know?" asked Toph.

"Lucky guess..?" Aang said tentatively.

"Well, I think she sounds more like Marilyn Manson having a stroke, but that's my opinion." Sokka said.

"I kind of thought it was a gorilla with jock itch." Katara added.

Toph stared. (Or...not.)

"Have you all...?"

"Yes."

"Ooookay..."

With this extremely awkward moment under their belts, the team moved on to the subject of the evil Fire Nation baked goods that they had consumed and of the Pepto Bismol they would now need.

Fantabulous.

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

Zuko's mother went on Jerry Springer.

But that's a different story for a different chapter, and I don't feel like writing it right now because my fingers hurt and Zuko's mom is a tart anyway.

"What did you say about my momma?"

Um...goodbye!


	3. Mama Bear Takes the Stage

Disclaimer: Once again, I do not own Avatar or any of the bears I mention...if I did, I would have my own very successful sideshow.

A/N - I just found this on my computer...I obviously wrote it quite some time ago, because Michael Jackson wasn't dead yet. I wonder why I never posted it. Oh, well...

**CHAPTER TWO -**

**MAMA BEAR TAKES THE STAGE**

"I think that Oprah would be more appropriate..." said Zuko's mother, whose name corresponds with the Latin for 'bear'. But we'll just call her whatever insulting variant of that that we feel is necessary.

"Shut up, Winnie the Pooh! The entire point of this story is to be OBSCENE!" the author, whom we may call Undercooked, yelled back. "Now get in there and throw a couch cushion at your husband and scream the f-word so many times your entire dialogue is one long BEEP!"

"That doesn't seem very beneficial to-"

"GO, BALOO! CONTACT YOUR **BAD **SIDE!" Undercooked yelled, pushing her out onstage.

Somewhere deep in the recesses of Smokey's mind, behind all the knitting and crocheting and dinner planning and high treason, something that that fucking screwball Undercooked had said clicked.

"Did you know that cheddar cheese is more likely to attack than mozzarella?"

No. That wasn't it.

"Is Genital Herpes a band?"

Nooo...

"Zuko's mom is a tart anyway."

No...

"Hey, wait! What was that one?" growled Yogi, flipping back to the last quote.

"That bitch! I am NOT a tart!" snarled dear Fozzie Bear, veins popping out on her forehead. "I'm ready to DO THIS!"

"I knew I could help!" Undercooked exclaimed, floating up in a heart bubble.

"Good for you. NOW GET OUT OF THE FIC!" yelled Jerry Springer.

"No, I want to show her something first," said Zuko, popping up.

"Make it fast. Your mother is jabbing my voodoo doll," Undercooked mentioned.

"MEDERMA!" yelled Zuko, popping out from behind a fan with his face printed on it.

Undercooked screamed as loudly as she could.

"Sorry. It's just you're the UGLIEST fucker I have EVER seen, and-"

"Go ahead and kick her out."

Well this is embarrassing.

Kicked out of my own fic.

Hmph! See if I care!

I'll just write about SOMEONE ELSE!

SOMEWHERE ELSE

Undercooked, who seems to be a permanent installment in this chapter, ran up to the Cabbage Man and threw her arms around him.

"Oh, Cabbage Man! You understand me, right?"

"Well, right now you're going to make a cabbage/testicle related joke that is obscenely perverted and then laugh about it while typing at your computer. Then you'll spit Coke all over the screen because of your hysterical laughter and have to clean it up, thus not finishing this chapter tonight." the Cabbage Man said.

"Wow! You really DO know me!" Undercooked exclaimed.

-pause to clean up Coke-

"Wow! You really DO know me!" Undercooked yelled in an annoying repetition because she lost her place.

The Cabbage Man sighed and tried to pry Undercooked off him.

"Why are you hugging me?" he asked.

"I'm trying to be unique!" Undercooked explained. "Have YOU ever seen a self-insert where the chick falls in love with YOU? No offense, but who would WRITE that?"

"You," the entire viewing audience pointed out.

"That's RIGHT. ME." Undercooked said triumphantly.

"Well, I guess it isn't SO bad. She's young, she's moderately not ugly, she writes moderately not shitty fanfiction, and she likes cabbage." The Cabbage Man sighed.

"You KIDDIN' me? I **HATE **cabbage!" Undercooked exclaimed loudly. Her proclamation bounced off the empty walls of the Cabbage Man's skull, and something Undercooked had said clicked.

"I don't like professional wrestlers because I'm afraid their man parts are going to pop out of those bikini things."

No, but that IS helpful in certain situations...

"I'm afraid of ceramics!"

No, that wasn't it...

"The Cabbage Man is such a sexy beast and I wish to-"

"Hey!" yelled the ass-hauler, running in.

"Yeah! I didn't say that!" Undercooked said indignantly.

"Actually, I was going to say that this fic is rated T," the ass-hauler said.

"Oh. Well thanks for defending my honor. NOT." Undercooked sniped.

"Honor!" yelled Zuko, running past sobbing.

"See what you do?" the Cabbage Man sighed.

"Yeah, and no offence, but your honor..." the ass-hauler said, waving his hand and squinting. "...Wavering at best."

Undercooked stepped up to a large, oddly placed podium and announced in a bad Southern drawl,

"I DID NOT have sexual relations with that woman."

"..." Everyone else took their chances with getting kicked out of the story and left.

MEANWHILE

Mr. Funky Sideburns was conversing with a figure in a dark cloak.

"Master MJ, I need your assistance," he said, bowing.

"Speak, Mr. Funky Sideburns," said a creepy, high-pitched voice.

"There is a certain young boy I need to capture, and-"

"He is underaged, yes?"

"Yes, Master."

"And does he have buns of steel?" inquired the voice.

"No buns in the Fire Nation are steelier," replied Mr. Funky Sideburns.

"Very well. Then I will help you. What do you need me to do? Dangle him from a window? Share my bed with him?"

"No." Mr. Funky Sideburns said, and that ominous 'oh shit something fuckin' bad is happening I'd better get my face out of the jelly beans and pay attention' music started playing. "I need you to do the foulest deed of all."

There was a pause.

"What the HELL are you talking about?" the figure asked after a moment.

"I dunno, I thought you would know," shrugged Mr. Funky Sideburns.

"I'll just go capture him for you, okay, he of the feeble mind and buns of cottage cheese?" sighed the Master.

He threw back his hood, and there stood...

HOLY SHIT IT'S NOT WHO YOU THOUGHT IT WAS!

Okay, it is.

Michael Jackson stood, striking a molester pose, and Mr. Funky Sideburns bowed again.

"I bow to you, Master." he said.

"That's King of Pop to you!" MJ said, moonwalking across the street.

Things looked bad for Zuko.

But what was he doing at this critical moment?

"DAMN SUDOKU!" Zuko yelled, throwing the book across the room.

"TEA!" Iroh yelled, running to save his tea from flying books of doom.

"I have a strange feeling that two very bad men are coming to get me, Uncle. Is that bad?" Zuko asked after another moment.

"Tea." Iroh said solemly, offering him a dainty little cup.

AND THEREFORE...

"Hey! I'm in the chapter!" yelled Aang.

"TOO LATE!" yelled Undercooked, cruelly ending the chapter.

Farewell, until NEXT CHAPTER!

PREVIEW / EPILOGUE

Haru quickly and silently slipped through the window.

He stood over the bed in which Katara slept and his mustache slowly crept out and curled around her neck...

I knew it was malicious!


End file.
